This is Why I Unfriended You

I have the worst hangover today.  And I don’t even drink alcohol.

We bought six pizzas for an “I’m With Her” party that obviously turned into a nightmare.  We sat around in disbelief, and the only feelings I could compare it to were on 9/11 when I was living in NYC, or the day my father died.  Except on those nights I felt support and a coming together of my community.   I turn to Facebook, and am grateful for the majority of my friends, who are also in horror.  I am not crazy.  We did not want this.

And then, I begin to see the other side.  It’s easy to ignore the dude who used to cheat off my paper every year from JHS to graduation.  Or the blogger who I’ve hung out with only a few times, who knows nothing about me.  They’re not my friends.  They have never held my hand while I cried over being unfairly treated because of my gender and race.  Over being sexually assaulted.  They didn’t listen to me freak out every year when, as a struggling actor, I don’t make enough to qualify for health insurance.  But there she is.  That person I thought who understood me for over two decades.  She is celebrating Donald Trump’s victory with her children, in a Battleground State.

pizza-politics

We have been through other elections in the past where she voted Republican and I was okay with her decision.  But this one is different.  I know she doesn’t believe in the things he so vocally stands for – racism, misogyny, homophobia.  Or I thought she didn’t.  I wish I could say that I reach out and ask her, “Why?  I want to understand why you feel like your privilege is more important than my life, my safety, and the lives of so many.”  But I can’t.  Just deleted her.  Deleted her husband.  I immediately regret it and feel shameful.  I want to be stronger than this.  To be able to come together and understand our differences.  But that is the decision I make, because I am so hurt by her’s.  And half of our country’s.

I box up all the uneaten pizza, more than we can consume before Thanksgiving.  To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll be able to eat a slice again without connecting it to this horrible feeling.

Cheese Pizza with Basil Cheese Pizza in a box

I vow to go off social media.  To pull the plug and stop watching TV.  But I am not doing that.  I’m still me, I’m still here.  And I’m pulling this pizza out of the fridge this morning and it looks gross.  Like, America, a paler version of what it was yesterday.  I’m not ready to eat it right now still.  But I know that will change.  I know I will feel hope again.  And a fire.  And a desire to eat pizza.

Maybe one day I will tell my friend in person why I am removing her – that her vote is triggering traumas in me and I can’t have her be a part of my life any longer.  Today, though, I just can’t.

*UPDATE – Since writing this, I have spoken to my friend in person and all is fine.  I think it’s important to stay connected during this time as much as we can, despite our differences.  I’m not perfect, none of us are, and I’m learning.  Always.

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15 thoughts on “This is Why I Unfriended You

  1. Lez

    Lynn, I totally understand you. You do what you need to do and it’s okay. But please don’t leave social media, because I need you, too. Reading your posts here and on IG makes me happy, and I need that. I don’t know how to feel and I think a lot of us understand what you’re going through. I texted my sister who is so crushed and I also met up with my parents–they’re conservatives–who are equally crushed. We don’t know what to make of it.

    What I do know is that we all have to do better in the next 4 years. We have to. We really need to come together and just have an honest discussion and listen to what these people want and understand why they voted the way they did. But only when you’re ready. And I’m not even sure when I’ll be ready…

    But I’m very glad you’re staying on social media. <3 Peaceful blessing to you.

  2. Ray

    Thanks for sharing. I went through similar situations today and it helped to see how you processed your feelings.

  3. Joyce

    Same feelings, that are in disarray today. I have no words of wisdom. I don’t know you, but I thank you for the small part you often play in my life on social media; I am grateful for you.

  4. Laura Johnson

    You nailed it Lynn…you captured the despair those of us who voted blue are feeling in the wake of the FUBAR/SNAFU that happened last night. After all the progress we’ve made in the past decade or so in the right direction, I dread that we’re going to be forced back 200 years-women, lgbtq, people of colour, our econony, which has already been shaky, and our foreign relations, which, well ditto. I’m with you though…I don’t want to throw in the towel. I want to fight all of the hatred and vitriol he represents with love and sensibility. I can’t allow this country to be destroyed! None of us can <3

  5. cmgarrido

    I feel you. It may sound weird because I live half way across the globe and have not stepped on American soil my entire life. Those feelings are all too familiar. Just when we think we share the same principles with friends and family on issues of women’s rights, equality, human rights, etc but turns out that those assumptions were misplaced. All of a sudden, we feel disconnected with the people we think we know.

  6. Roshan

    Felt genuine sadness reading this. Even though I and like minded people don’t live in America we were all hoping he doesn’t win. It came as a shock….but not really. Fear leads to hate and hate leads to the dark side.

  7. joyosmanski

    Good for you. As someone who started by unfriending in massive waves on FB years ago and then left the platform altogether, I get it. Online/virtual purges are just as important as cleaning out a closet…detritus is detritus. Who and what we can choose to surround ourselves with is vital. Love you, dear friend.

  8. Ellen

    I know what you mean. This is the first time I’ve wondered if I may really need to part ways with friends over politics.

  9. Amy

    Great post, girl! I am equally devastated; it really felt like all my hopes, aspirations, and dreams have been crushed. Actually, it still feels that way. This is, indeed, going to be painful for a very long time. :virtual hug:

  10. Cynthia Bohn

    I had the opportunity to read your blog. How does your decision to eradicate friends with different beliefs and values support what you admire so much about Hillary?
    What a shockingly low and cowardly decision to cut out a friend of 20 years that has done nothing to deserve your cruelty. Over the years have the two of you enjoyed sharing stories of your love for the democratic views and beliefs? No. From what I understand from your blog, she has always been a republican. Surrounding yourself with people that think exactly like you do makes you a close-minded person that never grows. Be more like Hillary and embrace diversity and welcome opportunities to passionately defend your core values and beliefs. What I find most tragic is that by “unfriending” and blogging about ending a 20-year friendship in the name of Hillary, you clearly showed your alliance with Trump.

    1. Lynn @ The Actor's Diet Post author

      Hey Cynthia, thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I have acknowledged that it was a rash decision, fueled by hurt and ultimately – tragically (you definitely used the right word) ending in something horrible. I am actually not a super Hillary supporter, more that I am frightened of the racism and misogyny that Donald Trump stands for. I am quite frankly fearing for my safety, as a woman of color – a few of my friends have been victims of hate crimes carried out in Trump’s name. So there was a bit of a fight or flight response going on for me – to hide, to retreat. But ultimately, I know I was wrong in what I did, and it was cowardly and shameful and I should have been patient, talked to her, and given her the benefit of the doubt. I did apologize to her, but I know the damage is done and that I do not deserve her forgiveness. I wrote this post publicly not to say that I was in the right to do so, and definitely not in defense of Hillary or to shame my friend for her vote, but to show how complicated and toxic the climate is right now. And how imperfect our world is, and how truly sad I am about it all. I appreciate your words. Thank you for your honesty.

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