Yesterday was rough. If I had finished reading any of the books I have on mourning, maybe I’d be prepared that grieving a loved one can be worse the further you are from the actual death. Six months later, I have no distractions of funeral planning, the craziness of having everyone I know appear out of nowhere…all I have is a feeling that things should be back to normal, and they aren’t. They’re far from it. And there’s just an empty hole to fill; old demons to face.
One book I AM planning on finishing is Gone Girl. It’s kinda perfect right now.
I took Julius for a long walk, listened to my favorite podcasts…
…snacked on a Biscuffin…
…with Jalapeño Pineapple Jam…
(thought of my awesome Aunt Gail, who gave me this little dish)
…and continued to nosh on what I wanted, when I wanted.
Crinkle Fries with German Mustard…
…and more frozen grapes with Pretzel Caramel Bark.
Originally I had plans to be spend the day with family (it was Abe’s parents last day here) but taking the day off to just be in this sadness was totally necessary. I’m ready to embrace the land of the living again, but have a feeling there will be many more challenging days ahead.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
I really admire your courage in understanding your feelings and eating habits calmly, face-to-face. I've been a fan of your blog for almost two years now and I don't know how many times I've been saved and inspired. Big hug and I'm sure you will gradually feel better soon!
First of all again I am so sorry for your loss. Death is never easy especially those we love so much. I am so glad that you posted this because sometimes the sadness just hits you put of nowhere and those days of mourning are absolutely necessary! Thanks for sharing this and as always enjoy your blogs!
I’ve learned to accept that some days are just NOT fun. The hard part is convincing others that some days are just like that. Hang in there. Julius is good company and I love that cute little bowl. And I definitely am liking those comfort food choices!
Be where you are. It’s okay to let the sadness wash over you. Grieving takes time…realistically 1-2 years. Allow it to have its way with you and run its course and you will be okay on the other side. In the mean time, sending you some hugs.
Thanks for sharing with such honesty, Lynn. I really appreciated your thick dumpling skin post too. It sounds like you did a great job of being good to yourself yesterday! You’re really strong for perservering and it’s inspiring!
Hi Lynn,
having lost my father just a month after you lost yours, I think I know how you feel. I also thought that I would get more used to his absence the longer he was dead, so to speak, but somehow it also seems to me like the opposite is happening: without any immediate distractions, without any of the immediate pain and grief, to me it feels that his death is so much more unreal…life is slowly getting back to normal again, except for the small detail that he is no longer around and that he is not coming back. Ever. And the thought of that, trying to wrap my head around the mere concept has been…hard. Sleeplessly, mind-blowingly, numbingly hard, to say the least. So I think I know what you are going through to some extent.
I am not big on self-help books myself, but there is one little gem that I think you might enjoy, mainly because it is about anything BUT dealing with loss, grief, pain, etc. Rather, it is a very hands-on, how-to approach to meditation, which I also thought I was not big on until so very recently: http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-20th-Anniversary/dp/0861719069
I don’t think of myself as very spiritual in the esoteric sense at all…and that is probably why this book speaks to me. At the end of the day it is not about some huge revelation waiting around the corner that will make it all suddenly better – at the end of the day, as I am slowly learning, it is about reaching back to the essentials of your life. Such as breathing, listening to your body, your mind…and breathing again. There is, I am finding, something very reassuring about realizing how much you are alive and how that alone is something to be so thankful for.
In any case: I hope you get through this difficult time and are kind to yourself. I am trying to do just that…and being surrounded by people we love certainly helps. But you know what? Listening to your own breath – somehow, incredibly, essentially – also does.
All the best,
Marie
Grief is a strange beast to deal with. It’ll hit you at unexpected moments. Head on, intense. And not care that you have an entire day ahead of planned, when you look at crullers and they remind you of someone you’ve lost. Sometimes, taking these moments and as much as they suck, living through them and thinking through them, is what helps us get through our agony and bereavement. It’s not an easy or fun realization we must have, (and everyone’s is different) but when you have yours, you slowly will feel better and better. My “a-ha moment” was after a few trips home, I was heartbroken that my grandma who helped raise me passed away, but was even more worried about my mom and her coping. A few “normal” trips home, and realizing that the void was there from her missing, but that everyone was ok– sad, but ok, helped me move on and start building my strong and solid self back up. I also feel you on the eating because your bored, or lonely, or trying to swell yourself with food instead of emotions…being a thinking, caring human can suck at times! Remember you have an excellent outlet to express yourself and a bunch of readers who care about you and struggle with the same shit. Just take care of your mind and your body during this time girl. xoxo.
Lynn, I think it’s really amazing that you have a keen sense of how to take care of yourself during these rough periods. There’s nothing worse than beating yourself up for feeling down, and I’m so glad you are able to accept where you are. I can’t imagine how difficult it is, but it’s wonderful that you’re being patient and compassionate with yourself.
Take care of yourself through this difficult time. I really appreciated your Thick Dumpling Soup post, and all your honesty and emotion on this blog.
Dearest Lynn, I got all choked up when I read the Thick Dumpling Skin article you linked to. I hope we someday get to have a long heart-to-heart and, in the meantime, I’m sending you love and unconditional acceptance.
me too! thank you!
Sending love and good vibes from D.C. You are so strong!
It gets easier, it gets different, but it never goes away.
Good for you for taking care of yourself. Sending lots of love.
lynn, so sorry to hear that you’re going through a rough time. your TDS post really hit home; i feel like i’ve found myself in that rut so many times lately…and i’ve found it most helpful to just sit in it and be tender with myself, which sounds like what you were doing too. hope it helps to know that your continual strength & your insightful writing is inspiring to so many of us, even when you feel like you’re writing about the difficulties you face. tons of love and hugs. xo em