I was up at 4am this morning. I couldn’t get back to sleep so I started writing the speech for my father’s funeral.
My eyes are so puffy and sore from nonstop crying that I turned to my skincare/beauty expert friends for advice. Jennifer Yen suggested cucumber slices and tea bags. Pavy said the same, in addition to cold compresses on top. They definitely helped…
…I also remembered the area around my eyes being really dry on safari in Botswana – the only thing that worked was an intensive balm like Vaseline. I happened to find a small case by my father’s nightstand and have been dabbing that on, along with pure Vitamin E cream.
After doing the dishes, the laundry, and answering important calls/emails, I started going through my to-do lists for the funeral while eating a donut peach…
…then, I unmade the bed, climbed back into my Dad’s PJ’s, and let myself be depressed.
I’ve been feeling so incredibly overwhelmed by everything – all the hospital stuff, no sleep for 2.5 weeks, the death logistics, being homesick for Abe and Julius, trying to hold it together in public, missing my dad so much…
…I still can’t believe he’s gone. Everyone keeps telling me to be strong, but I feel like I’ve been exactly that for so long and right now, in spite of everything that needs to be taken care of, I need to veg out and not think for a few hours.
Even with the help from prescription drugs, I’m still too stressed to properly snooze.
The Meditation Podcast is a great resource and I got at least 15 minutes of brain rest. Once I let myself be a baby for all morning, I felt capable of getting back to funeral work and finally got my appetite back.
My mother made some fried rice but I’m actually getting pretty tired of Chinese food so I turned to this instead:
I think I remember Jessica Simpson saying her mom made her Peanut Butter and Banana this way? See what happens when you read US Weekly for 10 minutes…random info comes flooding back.
I refilled them with more useful memories.
Lisa wrote the most amazing post over at Thick Dumpling Skin today and I thank her from the bottom of my heart for it. It actually has nothing to do with food/body issues (I will write a post on that when I’m ready) but I will say this – it is NEVER appropriate to casually comment on somebody’s weight or tell them what to be eating, especially when they’re grieving (a.k.a. highly emotionally unstable). I mentioned this the other day, but I feel the need to reiterate it again. I write this with the hopes that people who haven’t seen me in a while and don’t know that I’ve overcome a lifetime of binge eating will read this and take it to heart, but I know not everyone will. So for now, I just hope that those of you who have made it this far will absorb that advice for the future, if you ever find yourself (or someone you care about) in a similar situation.
Now I have to get prepared for the first of three Memorial Services – the other two being this Sunday and Monday in NJ. For those of you who wish to make a tax-deductible donation to The Kunqu Society in my father’s name (Fu-Yen Chen) you may do so at The Kunqu Society, c/o Anna Wu 199-36 24th Avenue Whitestone, NY 11357.
My father was the Founding President of this Chinese Theatre Company.
That’s him on the right, looking really fantastic in makeup. Maybe I should just wear some red eyeshadow instead?
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Sending you good vibes Lynn.
Lynn – You look so much like your mom in her wedding picture. You have so much of both of your parents inside you (and out!), and you’ll carry them with you wherever you go. I always tell my boys that even if I’m not with them, I’m always in their heart. Same goes for you. Wishing you peace…and a good night of sleep.
Just be where you are. Sometimes that will mean you are keeping it together and others you will be a complete mess. As much as I’ve been sending you my love, I’ve also not been worried about you. As horrible as this is, I think you are at a place in your life where you can navigate the grief without destroying yourself. Two years ago, I think i would have been really worried for you. I’ve been proud of how you have found a way to face your fear and grief and keep yourself as healthy as possible. Truly amazing. Your dad is certainly very proud of you too. XX
Sometimes it is important to let go my friend, we all understand – bottling up emotion is never good. Do what you want, think about and cherish your wonderful memories with your father. We are as always right behind you.
Hugs
Uru
Btw…I’ve heard that Preparation-H is great for relieving puffy eyes. Never tried it myself, but been told this by more than one person. Maybe buy a new tube for your eyes.
oh that wedding picture is absolutely gorgeous.
Lynn, I’m not an expert at all, but you sure know that mourning is a long process with different phases and has no sense to pretend to skip some of them… And now it’s time for pain and sorrow. You have to permit yourself to feel all these feelings….The strongest people is these able to accept their weakness and fears, you know it very well.. And if your eyes are completely red, black sunglasses will do their job. I pay all my respects to you and your family.
In any case, and I’m not at all in the mood for jokes, my friens and I use exceptionally for rings under eyes a cream for hemorrhoids, it’s infalible. Big hug.
Lynn,
sometimes being strong isn’t about holding it together, but also about embracing your vulnerability, the sadness, the pain and the fear that make up this difficult time right now. You don’t have to be stronger than that – you are perfectly fine the way you are and letting go isn’t about being weak, it’s about being honest with yourself (something you seem to be very good at anyway). I wish you good, positive feelings in between the bouts of pain. The strength is there in every moment, even in the ones you cannot feel.
All the best and much love to you and your family,
Marie
You are doing amazing, Lynn! I’m so impressed by your strength but everyone including you really deserves time to let go and be taken care of, too. xoxoxo
Lynn, I am so, so sorry for your great loss. I hope you have all the love and support around you that you deserve. Big hugs.
Lynn,
I’m impressed with your courage and how you are able to express your feelings. I sympathize with you and your family during this time. You dad sounds like he was a wonderful man. Full of life and passion for music. I appreciate all the honesty your bring to your blog which I try to read everyday. I’ve learned so much about food, eating disorders and what it means. It has helped me understand others and what addiction is really about.
You’re amazing.
You have every right to be upset and vulnerable right now. You’ve managed to stay strong for everyone this long and now it’s time to focus on you. And sometimes that means curling up in bed with trashy magazines and a box of tissues. <3
Lynn,
You are a very strong person, you’ve inspires us for blogging everyday which i always trying to read in my vacant hour. I also shared your blogs to my colleagues and they have started to read also. Continue to be an inspiration to others, we believed in you, your struggles.. Especially now that you are dealing with emotional stress.
Prayers for You and your Family.
Your dad was really cool, besides sounding like an inspiration. You must have all had such understanding. That is a really rare, loving gift. Some never have that acceptance their whole life. I can see it made you into the gifted person you are.
I think you have a right to not be perfect right now, and just feel your feelings.
It’s sad he left so suddenly, but yes, he will always be with you.
I hope you get some peace.
Bless your wonderful family.
Hey love. You’ve been really on my heart. I said this somewhere (here? insta? face?) but it’s worth repeating, I think – thank you for sharing this process with us. I believe it’s very wise for you to do so for your own sake, and the fact that we get a peek is very special.
Spoons in the freezer for eyes.
Also, you might check GentleWhispering on YouTube. Her channel is pure relaxation and sensory love. xo
Ohmygosh!
( Lynn Lynn! Don’t stay strong! Be a crying-blubbery mess, let your hair get tangled, and just grieve however you need to. I am so sorry to hear and see what you are going through, but want you to know I’m sending love and support from afar.
When do you get to see Julius and Abe?? You NEED their hugs!! They will be so healing {:-)
XOXO
Lynn, I am so sorry for your loss. You are such a strong woman (Ive been a reader for years so I feel like i know you
) and I know you will get through this. Sending my most positive and healing prayers to you and your family.
You are in my thoughts Lynn and remember to take one day at a time. Grief is very personal and you need to allow yourself time to adjust, but don’t neglect yourself -easier said than done I know, but try to keep eating regularly as it will give you the boost you need. Take care
Just a little puffy eyes beauty tip I got from Jenny Darling — after a shower, fill a large bowl with cold water and as many ice cubes as you can handle and a couple of white tea bags. Gently dunk your face in there a few time and voila — fresh face! xoxoxox
You are so strong! We are thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs
xoxo
That wedding photo is beautiful. You look so much like both of them.
You are being strong, Lynn, no matter how you feel. Right now, you don’t need to be any other way than you already are. Mourning is a process, and anyone who expects you not to spend a few days in bed crying right now has unrealistic expectations. Do what you need to do and know that we’re all thinking of you.
I know you don’t know me, and I just happened to find your blog today, heck you probably wont even read this comment, but in the hopes that you do, I just want to share my experience strength and hope with you, should you need it. I lost my Mom almost 2 years ago, and there just are NO words to share that make it any easier, so I will just say this, I understand how you are feeling and what you are going through. The memories will keep popping up throughout the years, and some days will be better than others, and some will be spent in bed crying and being depressed. Whatever you choose to do with your time, please know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, but don’t try to stop the process because it will creep up later and bite you in the butt when you least expect it. Though you don’t know me, should you need to talk or should anyone reading this need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to vent to, feel free to send me an e-mail at jodi.kayser82@gmail.com and may everyone, especially you Lynn, be comforted by all the fond memories of your Dad.