Gratitude with Attitude

The food won’t stop! We’ve asked people to, but they won’t, despite our insistence. So we accept their generosity. We share. We give some away…

…and I make sure I keep listening to what MY body wants. An Apple and Diet Mountain Dew? That looks _____.

Well, that’s what I wanted for breakfast!

My cousins Hash and Hannah accompanied me to nearby Shangri-la for a late afternoon lunch/dinner – even with all the meals coming in, it feels good to get out of the hospital, to make my own decisions.

I know I don’t want this…

…but a turkey sandwich sounded good!

Toasted whole wheat with mayo and tomato and lettuce…

…plus a little avocado my Aunt brought!

Split with my mom…

…also tried some of the cookie Hannah bought at the deli…

…with more of the ones from Washington D.C. too:

After 12 days, we FINALLY felt relaxed enough tonight to leave my Dad in the ICU without someone waiting outside just in case. My mom and I both listened to our bodies and ate when we got hungry, around 9:30pm.

One of my aunts made us tofu and meatballs with cabbage – I enjoyed it with a toasted slice of my Godmother’s Mantou.

For dessert, the last piece of Choco Leibniz…

…with a buncha grapes.

I’ve already addressed what I have to say about mean comments. But I just wanted to say this about nice ones – I really DO appreciate every single constructive one that comes through on ALL my various social media sites. Sometimes I say thanks, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I address it personally via email. But the decision to do so, or not, is mine. And since – uh, my father’s been in the hospital the last 12 days – I’m a little too tired – physically and emotionally – to even think straight when it comes to paying my credit card bill, let alone “like” a comment or @ reply someone on twitter.

Even if I wasn’t crazy dealing with the most horrific thing that has ever happened to me, it wouldn’t make me a bad person if I didn’t say “thank you” to every nice thing that was ever done for me. I know I appreciate them and try to pay it forward, not back. I know who I am. I know I am grateful.

I’m only a human being. Yesterday I felt like a superhero. Today I feel like I’ve been beat up. This is normal.

As I watch life/death being celebrated/mourned around me the last 2 weeks, I’ve learned a few things, the #1 being you must figure out what’s best for you NOW. And take care of yourself first. And not care about the future, or what others may think. Even your most loved ones.

Who taught me this? My Dad. Today, I marched straight into his ICU Room after reading yet another not-so-nice comment and focused on telling him some good news.

I am the National Eating Disorder Association’s newest Ambassador. I remember looking at this site when I first was trying to get help, seeing that peeps like Paula Abdul and Jamie-Lynn Sigler were representing, and feeling inspired. I picked up the phone, and found the specialist who helped me through years of struggle.

And here I am today, surrounded by people telling me when and what to eat (eat, EAT!!!) during the most stressful time in my life. I used to be so anxious about a relapse, but not anymore. I am not getting angry or frustrated or upset or ungrateful. I am just listening to myself, and treating myself excellently, because I know who I am and what I need.

Now I will volunteer my time to give back to others struggling with eating disorders on a larger scale than I already do with Thick Dumpling Skin and this blog. And though the gifts and gratitudes I’ve received over the years are wonderful, they are never ever necessary or expected. I know you guys know why I do this; it’s not to be idolized or thanked.

I’ve watched my father be stronger than ever recently. He continually shows me anything is possible if you believe in your own inner strength. If someone calls you a “snob” or “selfish” or “asshole” or “bitch” or “fat” or “emaciated” or “stupid” or WHATEVER….even someone who is supposed to know/love you – remind yourself who YOU really are.

And if you’re still figuring out who that is, that’s okay too. We all are.

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Tagged as: avocado, cookies, new york city, turkey